The Wedding Register

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Puppy love

The groom wasn't returning phone calls. Her mom knew this was a bad match from the start. She wasn't surprised when his family announced that the wedding was off. That didn't stop her from getting out the knives. Others pitched in with rifles with rubber bullets. And swords.

Did I mention that the bride was twelve? Apparently you really, truly, can't make this stuff up.

Monday, February 25, 2008

How Low Can You Go?


If you're burned out at looking of photos of Jennifer Hudson's, um, side cutouts - or Nicole Kidman being attacked by her necklace- or Amy Adams auditioning to be a church secretary (please say that dress was a costume from the movie I haven't seen), the New York Times has a piece on the evolution of the wedding gown as culturally designed by the ghosts of Anna Nicole Smith and Lady Godiva.

Actually, I dig the idea of showing off what your mama - who will be sitting ten feet from that slit that goes all the way down there - gave ya. But clearly there some walk the fine line between playfully sexy and well...this.


photo by Joe Fornabaio

Thursday, February 21, 2008

School of Gallantry



Your Nerve-appropriate yet still SFW post for the day:

You are a 17th century French teenage aristocrat with an allowance of the size of Luxembourg and a conga line of ladies waiting to be wooed and strategically married for family gain and fortune. Problem is, you are a teenager and know as much about a lady's wooable parts as you do about strategic alliances.

What to do? Have your parents send you to Mademoiselle de Lenclos's School of Gallantry.

Mademoiselle de Lenclos, known affectionately as Ninon, was the most celebrated courtesan of seventeenth century Paris. Her notorious salon was visited by the brightest minds of the day from Moliere to Racine to Cardinal Richelieu, who legend holds, offered her 50,000 crowns for a night in his bed. After being asked repeatedly for her secrets as a lover and looking for a way to supplement her income, Nincon began instructing the sons of aristocrats on the ways of love. Known as the School of Gallantry, subjects included the care and handling of wives and mistresses, how to seduce a lover, how to terminate an affair and the “physiology of artful sex.” Her graduates went on to successfully marry and seduce, prompting women to beg for her instruction as well.

Her reply to a woman’s desire to know how big her breast needed to be to attract a man, Ninon replied “Large enough to fill the hand of an honest man.”

Nerve

These days I'm more of a Babble.com girl, but back in my LA single days (er, 3 months), I was all about Babble's hot, dirty, I don't wash and play bass kid brother site Nerve, a literary smut site. So imagine my delight - my seriously covered in snot, partially digested banana and cheerio delight - to be interviewed by Nerve for their Dating Advice from a...fill in the blank series. Today's column is Dating Advice from former bridesmaids with yours truly!

Monday, February 18, 2008

A Fox's Wedding


We've been plagued by a series of storms here in the South, but yesterday brought that lovely meterological surprise of Indian rain. Or the devil was beating his wife. Or a witch was getting married. Or making butter. You know, when it rains and sun shines at the same time.

Linguist Bert Vaux knew the expression as a sunshower, but familiar with the term "fox's wedding," he appealed to colleagues and friends and the man on the, er, interweb, as to what they knew the phenomenon to be. The wide variety of responses surprised him. What seems to be fairly consistent is the theme of a wedding, and "wedding" typically being a euphemism for the act of love that immediately follows.

Type of wedding/ Expression's country of origin:

Monkey wedding (South Africa)
Widow’s wedding (Portugal)
Devil’s wedding (abkhaz, Turkey)
Rat’s wedding (Arabic)
Wolf’s wedding (Aramaic)
Bird’s wedding (Armenian)
Bear (Bulgaria)
Monks (Croatia)
Poor people (Greece)
Jackal (Hindi)
Fox (Japan, Italy, Portugal)
Tiger (Korea)
Gypsy (Serbia)
Old woman (Spain)
Elephant (Swahili)
Leopard’s daughter (Uganda)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day



For my Valentine's Day, I'm spending it in bed. I wish the experience was as tawdry and indulgent as it sounds, because it's hard to get your mojo on when you've been throwing up since the wee hours of the morning while nursing your sick, teething baby. Sexy, no? What is sexy is that my husband stayed home from work to hang out with Baby Girl and has brought me liquid gold, also known as Gatorade. He even got me the red flavor, because it's Valentine's Day, after all. And he's romantic like that.

Because it's V Day, most news outlets have offered the typical round up. How no one knows if there really was a St. Valentine or perhaps there were three. We're reminded that the day was originally a pagan fertility holiday that involved naked men running through the streets. Here's a roundup of how different cultures celebrate the day. Here is some yummy font And how it all comes down to how you look in them genes.

And what of that mischievous roustabout Cupid who is responsible for getting us worked up into a Whitmans sampler frenzy every February? Because I am forced to take care of myself and lavish attention on me today, here's a little self promotey goodness from the book!

THE MOTHER IN LAW FROM HADES: THE TALE OF CUPID AND PSYCHE…AND VENUS

Psyche, the youngest daughter of a King, possessed a beauty so great that mortal men abandoned the altar of Venus, the Goddess of Love and beauty, to worship her instead. Consumed with jealousy, Venus sent her son Cupid to enchant her and cause her to fall in love with a monster. Startled by her beauty, Cupid accidentally pricked himself with the arrow meant for Psyche and instantly fell in love with her.

The King and Queen consulted the Oracle to learn why no one had proposed to their daughter. The Oracle revealed that she was intended for a terrible monster and should be left at a hilltop so that she could be claimed. Zephyr, the West Wind took pity on Psyche and lifted her from the hilltop to a palace in the sky where she was treated like a queen. Cupid visited her under the cloak of darkness, refusing her requests to let her see his true form. Homesick, Psyche begged Cupid to allow her sisters to visit. Jealous of her queenly treatment, the sisters convinced Psyche that her husband was indeed a monster and would not hesitate to kill her when given the opportunity. That night, determined to behold the monster, Psyche held a candle over her husband’s sleeping form. Shocked to see the beautiful Cupid, she jumped, spilling wax onto his shoulder. He awoke and though still in love with his Psyche, he and the palace in the sky instantly vanished, returning Psyche to her family.

Despondent, Psyche threw herself at Venus’ mercy. The haughty goddess set about to punish Psyche, ordering dangerous tasks to be completed for the chance to see Cupid. While delivering a box to Hades, Psyche peered inside and fell into an enchanted sleep. Unable to keep away from his love any longer, Cupid begged Jupiter to intervene. The God convinced Venus to quit her campaign which she reluctantly does. Psyche was given the gift of immortality and joyfully reunited with her husband for eternity.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Saddest Story You'll Ever Hear

It's Monday, so that's the only reason I'm posting this incredibly sad story. If you're currently happy, in a sunny clime or generally digging your Monday, don't click the link. Just don't do it. You've been warned.