Perhaps a Cat?

As speculation over Tom and Katie's wedding is breathlessly reported the world wide over (is it really that slow of a news month?) gossip columnist Jeanette Walls wonders if the vows to be exchanged will be from the traditional Scientologist canon. Helpfully, she provides the script for the sweet-nothings Mr. Cruise and his child bride might intone to one another:

If the wedding will be a Scientology ceremony — as has been reported — any feminists in attendance might be a tad miffed. The vows for Scientology’s wedding ceremony refer to the groom only as a “man” while the bride is sometimes called a “girl,” notes the Web site, Secrets of Scientology. And some of the notions of marriage seem a bit retro. Quoting from the book “The Background Ministry, Ceremonies & Sermons of the Scientology Religion,” the site reports that the minister asks the bride: “And do you take/His fortune/At its prime and ebb/And seek/With him best fortune/For us all?/Do you?” The minister then tells the groom: “Now, (groom's name),/girls need clothes/And food and/Tender happiness and frills/A pan, a comb,/perhaps a cat/All caprice if you will/But still/They need them./Do you then/Provide?/Do you?”

A pan? A comb? A cat? These are frills? Or, just maybe, L. Ron was looking out for the child brides, offering up a seemingly innocous list of sundries that, when given the MacGuyver treatment, could be combined to create a spectacular matrimonial arsensal.

Pan: cooking utensil...or blunt instrument of death when applied to head?

Cat: sweet companion...or slow death for husband who is allergic to kitties? Not to mention those claws...

Comb: grooming tool, musical instrument, or eye gouger?

We'll let Katie be the judge.Just knowing that she'll have these 3 deceptively bland wedding gifts gathered together in a burlap sack in a wing in her Telluride mansion makes me feel better.

Today Detroit...Tomorrow the World

While the world bites their collective lip over whether Kate and her rocker string bean boyfriend are engaged or if La Liz has roped herself hubby #9 or if Tom and Katie are gonna make their little alien baby legitimate in Mussolini's War hideout Kid Rock and Pammy took advantage of the confusion to stage what will hopefully be their final stop in their world domination wedding tour. Detroit may never be the same.

Thriller...Bollywood style!

Ok. This has absolutely nothing to do with weddings. But it's just too damn hilarious to keep all to myself. Two of my very favorite things, Halloween and Bollywood, apparently met up in a dark alley, had their way with one another and unleashed their progeny on the world. I give you Thriller...Bollywood Style!

Tod Pride

I'm not sure what's more delicious - the thematically matching red shirts, the sweatpants or the mullet-tastic hair, but these Alabama fans made their Tide Pride wedding day dreams come true

You know your wedding is too expensive when...

Payment to the caterer...$2400

Flowers for the ceremony...$1500

bridesmaids gifts...$800

Hijacking a van and ripping off the passengers in the name of raising money for your sister's wedding... terrifying?

My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding

Just in time for Halloween, the paperback anthology of My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding is being released. Now to be honest, I haven't actually read the book, but if imposter fairy brides, still feuding Hatfields and McCoys and the social implications of mixed vampire-werewolf marriages sounds like your cup of tea, get thee to Amazon and order yourself a copy!

* I'm working on the picture posting problem

** I'll post pics of that $20 Million dollar wedding cake as soon as I resolve the above problem!

Clean up in Aisle 9

A beloved grocery store manager and her fiance tie the knot at a San Diego Albertsons. Why Aisle 9? Because hair dye, feminine products and toilet paper are the key ingredients to a strong marriage. She's not kidding.

Click to watch CNN's video

Interview with the bride and groom

Our first anniversary!

Yesterday was truly a momentous occasion for me and my man - our first anniversary. We've survived firings and career switches and pregnancy and cross country moves and home ownership with our love - and senses of humor - intact. I can't describe how truly lucky I feel to have truly met the man I want - and get - to spend the rest of my life with - so I'm just gonna offer sincere thanks to the powers that be that brought us together. We took a wonderfully cheesy carriage ride through downtown, dined at one of our favorite restaurants courtesy of his dad's generous anniversary gift, and tucked into the top on our wedding cake that had been chilling in my parents fridge for the past year. We managed to choke down a bite before the freezer burn finally did us in. It's been a hell of a year, and I'm looking forward to many more!

Wacky Wedding Wednesday

I think I'd like to start a weekly segment, ostensibly called Wacky Wedding Wednesday, cause I am a HUGE fan of alliteration, except there's one tiny problem with today's debut. It's Thursday. But so much weddng wackiness has come down the pipeline that I feel compelled to dispense with the formalities and just post away.

Today's items both deal with wedding dress insanity. One makes for a great photo op. The other one, most likely a very long prison sentence.



CHEF MAKES FIANCEE'S WEDDING DRESS OUT OF CREAM PUFFS!


INSANE BRIDE OFFERS SON AS COLLATERAL FOR WEDDING DRESS!


NOTE* It appears that blogger's software and my IPhoto are clearly no longer crushing on one another. To see the picture, click on the blue icon where the photo should be, or jump straight to the story. My apologies!

Wife Carrying, The Worm-style

In my book, I lay out the rules for the World Championship of Wife Carrying, a competition held annually every summer in Finland. (If this sounds familiar, you may have read it here, or seen the inevitable knock-off version held in Maine last weekend.) And as surreal and hilarious as the rules can be, it just doesn't compare to the actual experience of watching a man run an obstacle course with a 110 pound wife (his or a "neighbor's") clinging to his back like a capuchin monkey. Now, thanks to the magic of youtube, it's like we are there. With Dennis Rodman.

Randy and Martha

Definitely one of the highlights of our trip back to LA was the wedding of our friends Martha and Randy. It was an incredibly elegant affair held in their backyard, aided by the intriguing cultural blend of Nicauragua with Irish Chicago. The bride's beautiful dress was made by her aunt (along with all the bridemaids dresses) and her mother made the delicious tres leches cake. Many congratulations to the delirously happy couple!

Dead Bachelors

Passwords. They can be a helpful thing, keeping pesky snoopers out of your business, locking away those goodies from prying eyes. But what if you are the pesky snooper locked out of your own computer? When I was out of town, I experienced so many computer password snafus that I eventually gave up trying to post.

But I'm back. Last week the (shocker) NY Times ran an absolutely fascinating piece on Dead Bachelors in China. With ancestor worship so prevalent in that part of the world, it shouldn't be surprising that the same care and worry lavished on deceased relatives is applied to dead men of marrying age. But the good news is that in China, not even death can get in the way of finding one'e true love.

Happy October!

I'm in sunny Los Angeles for a week of wedding festivities, so my apologies for sporadic posts. Regular updates will resume October 9.

In the meantime, for those of you about to be married who are lovers of Halloween and Sin City, do I have the wedding package for you. I give you the Ghoulish Gazebo Wedding Package

Don't say I never gave you anything.