How to Make an Entrance

So much for grand overhaul plans. Baby in the belly had different ideas, so today has been a bit of a wash. Lots of gingerale and generalized not trying to puke. But this one little news bite roused my head off the couch.

I think my primary concern would be the smell...

Dollface

I started this blog as a handy way to put the word out about my book and to do one better - elaborate if not even improve upon the content by staying up on the latest and strangest in interesting, weird wedding culture.

Except, I think the blog has lost a bit of focus. There are bundles of really well written and researched wedding blogs that cover fashion and flower arrangement and shoes, yet mine is not supposed to be one of them. Somehow my blog has started to feel less like a wacky culture commentary than a shill for InStyle Weddings.

That's not to say that I won't be talking about a fabulous place to get hitched or a rockin gown or a fabulous makeup artist, say, like Jackie Brubaker.

In anticipation of my trip to LA this weekend, I wanted to give a little a shout-out to my friend and president of Dollface Hair and Makeup Artists Jackie Brubaker. If you are getting married in that part of the world, stop what you are doing and run to her website See? Even the website is darlin. Interested in looking like a goddess on your big day? Jackie is your girl. Not only does she have oodles of experience - hello American Idol? - Her fun and laid back approach to life makes her, well, a doll to be around.

Today I bring you a kickass vendor you need to know about. Tomorrow, I'm thinking the history of ritual sacrfice in weddings. Or cake. We'll see.

You Say Tomato, I Say Tupac

In my wildest dreams, chocolate would be part of a balanced diet, I would have an all boob and belly pregnancy, procrastination would be considered a job skill and there would exist a wedding magazine for real brides. You know, like a Jane Magazine (back when Jane Pratt was the editor) for brides with budget weddings and funny articles and poignant, real-life issues covered that most wedding magazines are afraid to touch.

What would your dream wedding magazine read like?

In the spirit of articles that would never make it into a Brides or Martha Stewart Weddings, I present:

You Say Tomato, I Say Tupac: Take the Wedding CD Favor Compatibility Quiz!


Music to be Married By. Regan and Jonathan’s Greatest Hits. Love: Alexa and Mike Style. The hottest trend in wedding favors reads like the soundtrack to your favorite movie, and with weddings increasingly taking on the red carpet feel of Oscar Night, it’s no surprise. A sophisticated upgrade from the lovelorn mix-tapes of yore, a wedding mix features 15 or so tracks burned onto a CD, snappily packaged with a pithy title, clever liner notes, and an adorably candid shot of the couple in love. This is a creative and economically savvy favor if the couple can agree that Cyndi Lauper and Stevie Wonder best represent their personalities, but what happens when a couple is as musically compatible as pizza and peanut butter? Suddenly the challenge of picking the songs that best represent you as a couple can be as frustrating and fun as de-linting slacks.

“My husband wanted hip hop. I’m a country girl,” recalls Erika Zoeller of the CD she contemplated making with her husband Noel for their Bahamas wedding. “We gave out sand dollars instead.”

Take the wedding Cd compatibility quiz and find out if you and your fiancé should invest in a CD burner or scrounge together some Jordan almonds and agree to disagree.

1. As any music mixologist knows, the first song sets the mood for the entire listening experience – no pressure. Your Track #1 would most likely be:

A. Come Away with Me by Norah Jones
B. Nobody Knows Me (like my Baby) Lyle Lovett
C. Baby I love your Way by Peter Frampton
D. Cheek to Cheek by Billie Holliday
E. Love and Happiness by Al Green
F. I’d Rather Dance With You by Kings of Convention

2. You’ve got to include your first dance song in there. It’s:

A. You’re Still the One by Shania Twain
B. Cowboy Take me Away by The Dixie Chicks
C. Love of a Lifetime by Firehouse
D. La Vie En Rose by Edith Piaf
E. Here and Now by Luther Vandross
F. Pale Blue Eyes by Velvet Underground




3. Remember that time you and your honey got in that huge fight and then the rain started to fall and you totally laughed and then time slowed and you moved in for the kiss and this ballad became your soundtrack?

A. Almost Paradise from the Footloose soundtrack
B. I Will Always love you by Dolly Parton
C. November Rain by Guns and Roses
D. My Cherie Amour by Stevie Wonder
E. We Belong Together by Mariah Carey
F. Heartbeats by Jose Gonzalez



4. If lyrics could describe in lyrics how you feel about your fiancé, they would be:

A. I’m forever yours…faithfully
B. Because you're mine, I walk the line
C. I get hysterical, hysteria
D. I’ve got a guy, doesn’t have any money, but to me he’s a honey
E. I never loved a man away that I…I love you
F. Guess I’ll have another round and I think that I just fell in love with you.



5. Hey! We have to put a song about getting married on the mix? Your pick would be:
A. I Do by 98 Degrees
B. Marry Me by Dolly Parton
C. I Wanna Marry You by Bruce Springsteen
D. I Will by The Beatles
E. Going to the Chapel by Dixie Cups
F. Kyla Vuotti Uuta Kuuta (Finnish Wedding Song) Teisco Del Rey

6. What’s a love mix without a nod to that sexy thing you’re getting ready to marry? This song gives you the shivers when it comes to thinking about your Baby is:
A. I Want Your Sex by George Michael
B. Love in the Hot Afternoon by Gene Watson
C. She’s My Cherry Pie by Warrant
D. I Want a Little Sugar in my Bowl Nina Simone
E. How Does it Feel by D’Angelo
F. I Want you by Elvis Costello


7. It’s time for the Father/Daughter dance:

A. How Sweet It Is to be Loved by You (James Taylor)
B. Waltz Across Texas by Ernest Tubb
C. Sweet Child of Mine by Guns and Roses
D. The Way you Look Tonight by Frank Sinatra
E. My Girl by the Temptations
F. Thank Heaven for Little Girls by Maurice Chevalier

8. Forget the waltzing lessons. It’s time to show your moves on the dance floor.

A. HollaBack Girl Gwen Stefani
B. Devil Went Down to Georgia by the Charlie Daniels Band
C. Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard
D. It Had to Be you by Frank Sinatra
E . Get Up (Sex Machine) by James Brown
F. Dancing is for primitives the emotionally unsophisticated. It’s all about the head nod.

9. Of Course you’re dancing to At Last. Whose version?

A. At Last by Eva Cassidy
B. At Last by Willie Nelson
C. At Last by Metallica
D. At Last by Etta James
E. At Last by Gladys Knight
F. At Last by Cyndi Lauper


10. Ten years from now you hear this song on the radio and it takes you right back to your wedding day:

A. Celebration by Kool and The Gang
B. Forever and Ever Amen by Randy Travis
C. Don’t Stop Believin by Journey
D. Someone to Watch Over Me by Ella Fitzgerald
E. I Love You Just Because by Anita Baker
F. Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen







HOW TO SCORE:



If you selected mainly As: The Pop Idol. You are an unrepentant pop lover and are usually the last to leave the dance floor. Wedding bands adore you. Your brand new spouse might not after the twelfth encore of Celebration.
Your best match: The Chicken Fried Bride


If you selected mainly Bs: Chicken-Fried Bride. How you gonna keep em down on the farm, after they’ve made this CD? This country kitchen Bride is gonna 2-step over your heart…and on your toes if she insists on wearing those cowboy boots under her dress.
Your best match: The Throwback

If you selected mainly Cs: The Rocker. You got a heart of gold but soul made of metal. The crazy rocker mullet made be tamed for the wedding, but you’ll be flicking a Bic to honor the bitchin wedding band. Awesome!!! Your best match: The Pop Idol

If you selected mainly Ds: The Throwback. You’re one cool cat. You’ve got a swinging 12 piece Big Band at your reception and wing tips under your dress/tuxedo pants. You’ll be sure to dazzle the crowd with your snazzy choreographed routine…except it’s with the Maid of Honor as your spouse equivocates dance with 3rd world torture.
Your best match: Soul-O-Mio

If you selected mainly Es: Soul-o-mio. Smooth doesn’t begin to describe your style. Except when its time to get Crunk – and the heavy bass lines cause dogs to howl and babies to weep three counties over
Your best match: The Pop Idol

If you selected mainly Fs: The Music Snob. You totally heard these songs and their obscure punk covers ten years before I did. You’re probably not even taking this quiz. Your best match: The Throwback; John Cusack from High Fidelity

Cops and Lovers in India

It's a modern day Romeo and Juliet. Except they don't die in the end. And the police actually help, though I suspect somebody couldn't resist busting out with a bit of "...a plague on both your houses," speechifying during that awkward we-know-you-loathe-your-new-son-in-law-but-hey look!-it'll-totally-make-for-a-killer-Bollywood-musical counseling session.

DocuVitae

A few weeks ago I wrote about my friends Bobbie and Ted's wedding at Il Cielo in Beverly Hills. Yesterday I had the privilege of looking at their online photo album, and what I saw blew me away. And made me more than a little green with envy, because these are some of the best wedding photos I've ever seen. I am smugly pleased to report that I am the one to bring DocuVitae to Bobbie's attention after noticing their work when I was planning my own nuptials. And there my involvement ends. Laura Kleinhenz formed Docuvitae in 2001 with a handpicked group of fellow artist photographers. Available for weddings, parties, any occasion you'd deem fit to be documented, they can travel, and you'll be so glad they did. Each photo is like a mini work of art. While it's not a stretch from her everyday persona, Bobbie looks like a glamour goddess bride. And who doesn't want that on their big day?

oops...

Teen Wedding

When you were 17, what was the most pressing thing on your mind? Getting a part time job at the mall? College applications? A date to prom?

In the sweetest, saddest story I've heard in some time, 17 year old Nicole Hastings learned she is dying from terminal cancer, so she asked her mom for one wish - to marry her longterm boyfriend before she passes. Understanding the legal ramifications of such a request but not wanting to deny her daughter this last wish, Mrs. Hastings turned to the Make a Wish foundation for help, and this weekend saw the commitment ceremony of Nicole to her boyfriend Christian.

CNN.com has a lengthier interview with Nicole in the Top 5 videos section.

I'm going to go cry into my cereal now.

Anything is Possible

Last week we talked about classy.

Today, we'll cover the opposite of that in the form of Timmy and Muffin who realized a lifeong dream of getting married in front of their friends and loved ones at mega UK department store Harrods.

I think that would all be fine and dandy if Timmy and Muffin had perhaps met at the iconic store, reaching for the same Harrods print umbrella or sharing glances over the gourmet food counter, engaged in a whirlwind romance which culminated in breathless vows under a canopy of mannequin angels and custom Harrods Christmas lights.

Alas, no.

Timmy and Muffin are dogs and the victims of a crack-happy PR team who dreamed up the Anything is Possible ad campaign. This whimiscal revolution saw some millionaire businessman's wife receive a giftwrapped helicopter (I'm sure it's what she always wanted), and now, the unholy marriage of Timmy and Muffin. What terrifies me is that I don't think they are finished. In fact, the website says to prepare for the blitzkrieg from now until October 21. Now that Anything is Possible, I shudder to imagine what's next. Their website offers up some cryptic images:

A bandaged Teddy Bear connected to a heart monitor.

possible translation:

(Tom Cruise to personally administer ultrasounds from his donated home equipment in the main floor lobby, followed by sincere apologies if he gets too preachy about vitamins )

A tennis racket turns into spaghetti and meatballs.

possible translation:

(A torrent of gay weddings with family style pasta receptions in the athletic dept so that Angelina and Brad might be tempted out of their nose-thumbing marital hunger strike?)

A groovy stewardess flies on a magic carpet.

possible translation:

In a big F.U. to the aforementioned helicopter loving millionaire's wife, Tom Cruise to purchase a magic Alpaca area rug for family press events, photo shoots and Scientology picnics.

There is also an afro-ed model who drives a tractor and another eating what looks like bloody ice cream. I haven't had enough of the pipe to even surmise what that might mean, beyond the fact that publicity looks like a fantastic gig. The reign of terror comes to an end October 21. In the meantime, see if you get some of what the Harrods' PR team is smoking and watch your step outside.

Anything is possible.

crazy

Wedding planning got you feeling a little crazy?



via Manolo Brides

Today Throws a Wedding

My dear friend Susan sent out an email today, hoping to trust a few friends with her deep dark secret. I'm SURE she won't mind that I'm sharing it with all of you:


okay... i email you folks because hopefully you won't
make fun of me too much... but i am taking a risk.
here goes...
you see, i often catch about 30minutes of the today
show before i go to work and they are in the final
stages of picking their annual wedding couple. i'm so
embarrassed for even sending this, but i really like
Joshua & Chauntee (the interracial couple) and want
them to win: a. because they are gorgeous, b. they're
cute together, c. he's from japan, d. i don't think
the today show has ever had an interracial couple and
i love a good underdog story, e. she's in the
travelling production of the Lion King.

so, if you are wasting time on the computer and need
to do something silly... go vote for Joshua and
Chauntee before Monday afternoon. Vote Here

there, i've done it... please send all comments of
ridicule my way. my secret today-show watching has
gone public.

Sus - your secret is safe with me :)

Classy Classy Classy

Speaking as a former jilted bride, I understand the myriad emotions and ideas that assault from every side when trying to process what to do next. Send back gifts? Return the dress? Book a weekend of drunken spa buffet deliriousness in Vegas the weekend you were supposed to get married? I got awful close to hopping the next plane to anywhere for 48 hour booze blackout, but ultimately I decided I would much rather look and feel good on the day that was not to be, so I trained for and completed my first sprint triathalon. I had a big cookout afterwards with all my friends, it could not have been more satisfying.

But this incredibly poised, classy girl took her jilted nuptials one step further.

This weekend her would-be wedding is being transformed into a charity event.

From today's NY Times:

"Six weeks before Kyle Paxman’s scheduled wedding, a stranger walked into her office with e-mail messages and other evidence that Ms. Paxman’s fiancé was cheating on her — with the stranger’s girlfriend.

Kyle Paxman won’t be saying ‘I do’ as planned, but heartbreak or not, the reception will go on , with a new focus: philanthropy. “The dress had arrived, the flowers were done, the menus were chosen,” said Ms. Paxman, manager of two food and beverage outlets at La Costa Resort and Spa in Carlsbad, Calif. “One hundred and eighty guests had tickets from all over the country and the Virgin Islands to come and make a weekend of my wedding.”

But rather than cancel the reception, planned for this Saturday in Vermont, Ms. Paxman, 29, has turned it into a charity benefit, at which strong women will be celebrated. “How do you turn something so awful around?” she said. “We needed to turn this into something positive and start the healing process.”

The rest of the article is here.

Congratulations Kyle Paxman for being such a badass - and being spared the pain of actually marrying her wretched fiance.

Have you been left at the altar? How did you deal with the Day that Never Was?

Beware the Succubus

In a move that possibly couldn't have been orchestrated to drum up a little publicity, GQ staff writer Andrew Corsello reveals the reason that your favorite, studly male tennis players suddenly bring the suckage.

They got married. Salon's Broadsheet weighs in:

GQ to tennis studs: Stay single!

The New York Post's Page Six informs us that the latest issue of GQ features what is no doubt a well-researched article about male tennis stars losing their game shortly after saying their wedding vows. Andrew Corsello, writing for the magazine, calls this decline "the curse of the succubus," and as an example cites Pete Sampras' fall from the top after his marriage to actress Bridgette Wilson. (That bitch!) According to Page Six, Corsello also notes that Jimmy Connors, Björn Borg and John McEnroe saw their careers slump as a result of she-devil wives. What seems to be taking place is not merely a loss of game but a frightening overall emasculation. In fact, it may be worth putting a moratorium on marriage for all athletes until we get more solid results.

Wow. And right on the heels of that now infamous (and removed) Forbes article about how men should avoid marrying "career women" like one should the Devil, fried food and rat poison.

Are my eyes glowing red? Or is that a trick of the light?

Marriage on the Midway

Alrighty then.

There is something about not having a television, a working phone line, internet or an accessible email account that is most likely liberating and refreshing for some people. Like my husband. Instead of shrieking at the heavens for being turned into 21st century Luddites, he has found freedom from those everyday distractions and finds he can use his abilities for the greater good, like unpacking the house we just moved into. Or mowing the grass. Or being a productive member of society.

I am not one of those people.

Feeling adrift on my own little pity island for a week and contemplating chewing threw my wrist tendons for entertainment, I'm happy to report that the technology gods have seen fit to restore the magic of the internet, and I didn't even have to sacrifice a goat or nubile virgin to make it happen.

More on sacrifices and burnt offerings at a later time.

Now that we are officially in our new house in our new city of Memphis, it seems only fitting that my first local post is on a subject near and dear to my heart.

How would you like to get married at the fair?

It takes a special couple to see the potential beauty in crossing nuptial bliss with mullets, deep fried twinkies and pig races, but I know you're out there. My husband and I actually looked into having our rehearsal dinner at the fair, cause how often can you be toasted by your loved ones, have your weight guessed and pet baby donkeys all in one arena? Sadly we missed the fair by 2 weeks, but any couples looking to get hitched this fall still have a chance. Lucky for us, the Mid South Fair in Memphis rolls around next month, just in time for our anniversary.